You ever want to see a person's face light up, ask them about their children and their experiences as a parent. It doesn't matter if she is pushing a stroller or pushing a walker, parents love the chance to share their stories with others! (It's one of the reasons I offer birth storysharing circles)
When a person talks about their pregnancy, birth, and parenting experiences, it awakens a precious and powerful part of themselves. Sharing it with you is a form of connection.
So what happens when all the well-meaning advice givers circle around new mothers the way pigeons gather for spilled popcorn? Frankly, it's overwhelming. And often not helpful.
Especially for Preemie Parents.
Our babies are just different. It's part of why there is so much love and solidarity among members of the crap sorority that no one ever means to join. And even though some folks refer to their babies as "ex-preemies" after they leave the hospital, babies born prematurely will always be that. There can be in some cases ongoing medical and developmental differences that just look different than full term babies.
And yet,... everyone wants to tell you what worked with their baby who wasn't gaining weight well. How long it took their child to walk. It doesn't mean it wasn't true for them. But that doesn't make it helpful for you. And in fact, when it comes to babies with complex medical needs, some of the guidance (especially from our parents' and grandparents' generation) may potentially be harmful due to practices that we have since learned pose risks or have been replaced by current best practices.
Even with those who knew my baby and my family closest, there were plenty of loved ones and caregivers who just didn't have the visibility into all the things that I saw as my child's primary caregiver and the one taking him to all his appointments. Many expressions of encouragement intended to assuage my concerns were actually dismissive when I knew there was something going on that we just didn't understand yet. So things like "I'm sure it's fine," or "just wait it out," and "he looks great, I don't see how anything could be wrong with him," made me feel invisible, not comforted.
What I recommend to Preemie Parents (and to all new parents who seem to attract unsolicited advice like a magnet in a hardware store) is to accept the advice for what it is. It is an invitation for connection.
So I nod graciously when people share with me what "worked for their colicky baby" and I thank them for sharing their experience. I look straight into their eyes and accept the warmth radiating from their mama heart. And then I go on and do whatever the heck I need to do - with the expert guidance of my kid's pediatrician, GI, PT, OT, and the steadfast compass of my intuition. It doesn't mean that I have all the answers. Trust me, I don't. I didn't then and I don't know. But letting every piece of advice that floats your way infiltrate your daily decision making is sure to throw you off your equilibrium. When in doubt, do your own research!
There are cultural and generational differences in the ways we manage and treat all sorts of routine and illness-related infant care. And I'm a huge believer that there is so much ancient widsom that has been lost, stolen, and squashed by modern day capitalism and for-profit medical systems. That said, there are also many practices that existed in the absence of safer and evidence-based options. So that's not to say that traditional healing practices are not valid. But it is worth exploring the risks, benefits, and alternatives available.
Now I'll say that this nod, smile, and move on approach works best for the viejita in the grocery store line or the overeager parent in your Facebook moms group whom you may never see again and they won't really know if you cooled your baby's fever with lettuce leaves or not.
A different level of engagement may be needed for those who make up your closest circle. And it's especially important if these are the people who make up YOUR support system. Boundary setting is also key. Developing a few key phrases like, "I appreciate your thoughts on this, and I will explore options with our pediatrician that meet our needs," or, "thanks for sharing that, but we have an approach that works well for us." is a survival tool every preemie parent should pack in their toolkit. You find the wording and framing that works best for you. Point is, mom and grandma are trying to help. They feel helpless watching you struggle. And they want to be able to "fix" things for you. Part of the reason why is that it is so deeply painful to witness your hardship and not be able to take it away for you. So again, the actual advice,... take it or leave it. But rather than crumple it up and toss it back in their face like an expensive parking ticket,... remember it was offered with love. If you can remind yourself of that, accept the love. Don't fuss over the advice. It's about them anyway. It's not even about you.
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